End of the world

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

USA Today:
WE'RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal:
DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer:
O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Playboy:
GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft Systems Journal:
APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Sports Illustrated:
GAME OVER

Wired:
THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone:
THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest:
'BYE

Discover Magazine:
HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

TV Guide:
DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

Ladies Home Journal:
LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!

America Online:
SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine:
TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft.com:
IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.

Sun:
ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE!

The Four F's

A psychology professor of mine used to say the following in the neuropsychology section of his intro course:

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's":

1. fighting;
2. fleeing;
3. feeding; and
4. mating.

Group Meeting Announcement

Reminder: There is a group meeting tomorrow, Friday July 28th, at 11 AM, in the usual place. Wai-Mo Suen will be speaking.

As you were probably unaware, Wai-Mo is a Mad Scientist masquerading as a normal member of our group. At this group meeting, he will reveal his Secret Plans for dominating the entire planet, proving once and for all that he is an Evil Genius on par with the best. His strangely twisted theories are far too unconventional to be accepted by the pathetic idiots who pass themselves off as "scientists." Indeed, we can probably expect Wai-Mo to treat us to a passionate speech ending with the phrase, "Fools! I'll destroy you all!" (though Wai-Mo will probably say it with an accent). The meeting will end when a muscular young man with an astonishing tan breaks down the door to the meeting room, and destroys Wai-Mo's apparatus of doom.

At tomorrow's group meeting, we will also learn the risks of describing the topic of one's presentation as "To Be Announced."

Handicaps

First, God created the Irish. He said to himself, "These people are fun. They're very fun. But I don't want them to ever rule the world." So to handicap them, He gave them Whisky.

Then God created the Scots. He said to himself, "These people are almost as much fun as the Irish. But I don't want them to ever the world, either." So to handicap them, He gave them Kilts and Bagpipes.

Then God created the Welsh. He took one look at them, and said, "No way!!" So to handicap them, He gave them the Welsh language.

Finally, God created the English. And for the smallest possible moment in time, He was worried. For he knew that these people would come closer to ruling the world than any of the others. So he realized that he needed to give them a great handicap. So He gave them ... the Irish, Scots, and Welsh.

The Universe

Remember, the universe is composed of:

• 13% Electrons,
• 13% Protons,
• 14% Neutrons, and
• 60% Morons.

Explaining the Inexplicable

These are responses to a contest sponsored by OMNI magazine.

Grand Prize Winner:

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

Runners-up:

1. If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the worlds great literary works in Braille.

2. Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate.

Honorable Mentions:

1. The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is that it's easier to go faster when you're always going downhill.

2. The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."

Deep Thoughts

Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.

A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.

Photons have mass? I didn't know they were Catholic!

If you had everything, where would you keep it? ~ Steven Wright

I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. ~ English Professor, Ohio University

What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?

Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. ~ Dorothy Parker

To err is human, to moo bovine.

The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.

I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. ~ Joe Walsh

Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.

There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.

The Tattered Billboard

As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day,
I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay,
The words were torn and tattered from the storm the night before,
The wind and rain had done its work and this is how it goes,

Smoke Coca-Cola cigarettes, chew Wrigleys spearmint beer,
Ken-L-Ration dog food makes your complection clear,
Simonize your baby in a Hershey candy bar,
And Texaco's a beauty cream that's used by every star.

Take your next vacation in a brand new Frigedaire,
Learn to play the piano in your winter underware,
Doctors say that babies should smoke until they're three,
And people over sixty-five should bathe in Lipton tea.

---

Some remarked that they sang this at camp to the tune of Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

Science According to Children

The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams, and class room discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twain's contention that "The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop."

One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

Thunder is a rich source of loudness. You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.

When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.

South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.

Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes. Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.

Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.

We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.

Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water. We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.

Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.

Clouds are high flying fogs. Rain is saved up in cloud banks. Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.

The wind is like the air, only pushier. A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size. A blizzard is when it snows sideways. A monsoon is a French gentleman.

A Short History of Medicine

I have an earache:

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.